In the Calendar No More

Months have already passed since I cut off the main thing that weighed me down for too long. I feel lighter, of course, but uncertainty has always loomed around me.

I am still putting my distance from my “toxic blood.” I am also feeling the “curse” of adulthood, with most of the people I consider as friends not always available for me. I still care about them, but I also understand that we all have to do stuff to go on in life.

Oh, and I still refuse to comment further on what is happening in this country. I told somebody before that in certain contexts, ignorance is bliss. I am also applying this adage to our current socio-economic-political climate so I would not stress too much.

I often joked that I won’t be in the calendar soon, and that I would only be in the lottery henceforth. That would elicit laughter from my friends. Well, today is the day I am taking my leave from the calendar permanently.

My wish is that I would draw my lucky combination from the scramble of numbers to become a millionaire and not worry too much about finances anymore. I must start betting at the nearest outlet soon!

Or you know, I just aspire to be less angry about things that do not go my way (and everything else that pushes my buttons), as I gain more happiness in life.

In the silence of my current place
July 28, 2022
3:45 p.m.

A Five-Hour Conversation to Cap the Week

Talks of love and life
Over great food and warm cups
Joy of brief respite

May 20, 2022
10:40 p.m.

Breakfast at McDonalds

Ironic isn’t it? That I find respite in this store
Catering food to those who are in a hurry.
I consume my fast food slowly -
the processed meat, the instantly brewed coffee, the readily made hashbrown.
Amid people scurrying everywhere to their respective destinations for the day, here I sit, looking away, trying to digest the happenings lately.

Have I wasted all those years when I could have done something better?
Were all those years of friendship and love thrown away in just a click of disappearance?
Where do I go, where should I go, whom should I keep in touch with?
How do I keep myself strong?

All thoughts in a haste, all in a place where food is made in fast-forward fashion.

“How you like that?” K-pop music blaring on the speakers of the store.
I check the time: 8:03 a.m.
Another day to rush everything
Another day to set aside my thoughts and feelings
Another day to endure around those who don’t understand…

Sigh. I now stand up and leave the tall chair I got comfortable in.

April 8, 2022

Weekend Downtime

1. I still remember my childhood when dining in fastfood restaurants was a luxury for my family. A trip to McDonalds or Jollibee would mean that my aunt sent us some money, or that Mama earned something good from her various buy-and-sell engagements.

Now, I could just walk in a Jollibee branch and order to my heart’s content, while “Foolish Heart” by Nina is playing in the background. Time goes by so fast. I tried to enjoy my meal slowly.

A very late brunch!

2. The real reason why I went out on a weekend despite my supposed downtime is that my five-year-old twin tub semiautomatic washing machine finally succumbed to its fate. It was already struggling when I used it last week – this time, the pulsator just wouldn’t spin, as it could not carry the water and laundry load anymore.

I originally thought of replacing it with just another similar washing machine. But then, I was drawn toward the automatic washing machine aisles of the appliance store: those top-load and front-load machines are such miracles of modern-day living!

After checking some of the displays, I gave in to the sales talk of one of the personnel there: I just purchased a top-load automatic washing machine.

I hope this Whirlpool LSP680GR would wash my tons of laundry for as long as possible in my life.

Effortless washing of laundry this time around! I hope I would be able to do more things after this purchase, as it would help me save time and energy in doing my chores.

3. The summer heat makes me feel exhausted though. I should have done a lot of tasks I had in mind for this weekend, but no, I languished. Just like how I am feeling nowadays in life…

But then, I think of all the things I have done thus far. I remember the great times I have spent with people I care the most, and I take solace in all my accomplishments as well. I think I should pat myself every now and then.

I’ve come so far. I must move forward.

And I must persevere.

Finding Solace

With all the problems ravaging the world now, the least of anybody’s concerns is my personal struggles. I had been told in the past not to overshare what I am going through – whatever that is, I must power through it, I must stay strong, I must not give up. I must be resilient, whatever that means.

Lately, I felt that I have been doing a lot of things for the sake of other people. And at the end of the day, I still need to do a lot of things for my needs, for my own sanity. It was if their needs are more important than mine, and then I am left alone to fend for myself after all the hullabaloo. Even if I find joy in helping others, it also feels exhausting being surrounded by many who only connect with you when in need.

Resiliency is such a romanticised concept, glorifying the struggles of the less privileged. I used to see the beauty in resiliency, until it became the comfort zone of those who are in power, justifying their inaction to help those in need. For that, I do not want to be called resilient by anyone in my life struggles.

I just want to be heard. I just want to be found.

March 9, 2022

Overlooking the Brighton beach coast
Melbourne, Victoria, Australia
February 3, 2020